I Have Always Got A Pun In The Oven

*secretly dreams of being disc jockey from Central Europe named Czech's Mix*

*Sugar Plumber Fairy repairouettes leaky faucet* #TheButtcracker

The computer curser hand clearly means to give the middle-finger; it simply lacks the fine modem skills.

Watch out for pillowcase salesmen; they’re a total sham.

I love that new song about a girl wearing a shapeless dress. I always belt it.

phar·aoh·mone (noun)
: any chemical substance that triggers a social response as secreted by an ancient Egyptian king

*spends half hour attempting to purchase Goat Cheese Stuffed Mushrooms from App Store*

*starts a Shoeaholics Anonymous group called Achilles Heal*

*opens a photography studio for bears called Kodiak Moment*

How much would would a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could conceptualize hypotheticals?

He was so noble, his farts were periodically argon (Ar).

Some lightbulbs are actually heavy.

*fills gas tank with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom to achieve souped up ride*

"Tick tock to the hand, because the face ain’t listening."

-Clock diss

"To tree, or nut to tree: that is the question…”

-Shakespearean squirrel suffering existential crisis

Another day older, another Budweiser.