I Have Always Got A Pun In The Oven

*secretly dreams of being disc jockey from Central Europe named Czech's Mix*

I knew he was the Juan for me when the online Dominos Tacker indicated he was assembling my pineapple pizza.

Pitch Perfect is NOT an instructional camping video.

A Cairopractor cracks backs in Egypt.

Even the moon waxes its curvaceous celestial body regularly.

I’m so clumsy, falling asleep ought to be easier.

I got the gentleman’s Hepatitis B- in my Sub-Saharan Africa course.

Adult Fetus Pajamas

-Combines the pragmatic durability of an adult onesie with the comfort & whimsy of a polar fleece uterus
-Features USB cable umbilical cord & free ebook download of Hemingway’s “For Womb the Bell Tolls”
-Dry clean only

Days like this, I just want to move to Honolulu, finally open my surf school for toddlers “Baby on Board.”

*man beats a dead horse while muttering, “mumbo-jumbo”*

Oh, don’t mind him, that’s just the village idiom.

I am an old sole in that I tend to promote debilitating stomach cramps.

I’m hosting a party for time travelers.

It happened yesterday.

Hope to see you there!

A René Margarita is when you drink tequila & triple sec out of a bowler hat hovering just above your decapitated body riding a tandem bicycle with a giant trout.

Sidewalk chalk is four squares.

*binge eats Gorgetown Cupcakes until pastel fancy-pants rupture*

Fung shui is the strategic positioning of Nate Ruess, Andrew Dost, & Jack Antonoff around a room to optimize auspiciousness.